Vaidya Kumar’s reflections on Europe

Vaidya Kumar arrives in Europe to visit his cousin brother in Frankfort. His cousin tells him, “Look there a few things you need to know about Europe.”

HEAVEN is where:

The chefs are Italian
The police are British
The mechanics are German
The lovers are French
and it’s all organized by the Swiss

HELL is where:

The chefs are British
The police are German
The mechanics are French
The lovers are Swiss
and it’s all organized by the Italians!

After a few weeks traveling around Europe Vaidya Kumar realized that the joke about Heaven and Hell was not really correct, so he wrote:

HEAVEN is where:
There are no British

HELL is where:
There are only British

Vaidya Kumar was in Paris and was desperate to take a leak. After a long search he couldn’t find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the small side streets in Paris to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a Paris police officer showed up.

"Youz cannot pizz here." the officer said.

"I’m sorry," replied Vaidya Kumar, "but I really gotta pee."

"I underzerstand," the officer told him. "follow me."

The police officer led him around the corner and through a door in the wall to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the policeman, "whiz away."

Vaidya Kumar shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started pissing on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this French courtesy?"

"Non," replied the policeman. "It’z thez British Embassy."

Vaidya Kumar is walking in a Spanish seaside town with his cousin. They see a Spanish guy taking a pee on the side of a building. After the Spaniard is done an Englishman, who is walking by, asks him, "How come you Spaniards don’t wash your hands after you pee?" The Spaniards smiles, "Senor, we Spaniards don’t piss in our hands......"

Vaidya Kumar visited Italy and heard that his friends uncle had just died. He was a famous Italian businessman, who on his deathbed called his nephew and said, "Luigi, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated." "And what," Luigi asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?" His uncle said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the tax department and write on the envelope, ’Now you have everything.’"

Vaidya Kumar and his elderly host, Mr. Dupont are walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedge they spot a young couple making love in the field. Getting over his initial shock Vaidya Kumar asked his host if this was normal. ‘Ah, young love… ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers… C’est magnifique!’ replied Mr Dupont. Suddenly his host drew in a gasp and said, ‘Mais… Sacre bleu! Ze woman – she is dead! She is not moving!’ and them hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean Martin, the police chief.

They arrived, out of breath, to the police station and Mr. Dupont shouted, ‘Jean… Jean zere is zis man, zis woman… naked in farmer Gaston’s field making love.’ The police chief smiled and said; ‘Come, come, Henri you are not so old; remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah, L’amour! Zis is ok.’

‘Mais non! You do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!’ Vaidya Kumar thought about giving his professional advise but, not understanding French culture thought the better of it.

Hearing this, Jean Martin leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the police station, jumped on his bike, pedaled down to the field where he confirmed Henri Dupont’s story. He then pedaled all the way back to town to call the doctor.

‘Pierre, Pierre, … this is Jean, I was in Gaston’s field; zere is a young couple naked ‘aving sex ‘

To which doctor Pierre replied, ‘Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L’amour! Zis is very natural.’

Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply, ‘NON, you do not understand; ze woman, she is not moving, she is dead!’

Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed, ‘Mon dieu!’ grabbed his black medicine bag; stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other instruments and jumped in the car. He drove like a madman down to Gaston’s field.

After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to police headquarters where Vaidya Kumar, Henri and Jean were waiting. He got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said, ‘Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead; she is British.’

Vaidya Kumar heard about a guy who was searching for the most potent aphrodisiac in the world. He went to a Chinese herbal doctor who told him that bull’s balls were the most potent aphrodisiac.

The guy decides to go to Spain, the bull-fighting capital of the world. He found a restaurant in Pamplona who specialized in serving bull’s balls. For two days he was able to gorge himself on this aphrodisiac. On the third day, he noticed that his serving of bull’s balls were smaller. He then asked the waiter what happened. The waiter replied nonchalantly, “Well senor, sometimes the bull wins.”

Vaidya Kumar heard about a bright young Scottish lad named Shamus who had the opportunity to go to university in London. He said good-bye to his mother and left the highlands for the big city of London.

After the first week of school his mother called to see how her boy was holding up.

“I love it here Mother,” Shamus told her, “but these English students are the oddest people ever! Why the boy who lives in the dormitory room next to me bangs his head against the wall until midnight every night. And the boy in the room above me stomps around until midnight every night. And the boy right below me blasts his stereo until midnight every night.”

“Why don’t you complain to the Dean of students?” asks his mother.

“Well, it doesn’t bother me much,” answers Shamus. “I’m usually up until that time quietly practicing my bagpipes anyway.”

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